The University Diaries: What's the point?

I haven't posted in forever for a variety of reasons, but for now, I really need to vent and this was what this blog was originally created for so strap in. 

A long time ago, I thought that going to university and getting my degree would solve literally everything. Ha. What an idiot. Here I am in the final semester of my degree, where chaos reigns and I am desperately trying not to lose my shit. 

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Over the past couple of years, it has become abundantly clear that I did not escape my addiction entirely unscathed. Four years ago, almost to the day, I nearly died from a toxic combination of alcohol and benzodiazepines which I had been using daily for months on end. My body simply gave up and I stopped breathing. I keep asking how long it took for them to get me back but they won't tell me. All I have is a picture of 6 arterial blood gas marks in my wrist, which is horribly bruised. I was taken to the high dependency unit and I promptly discharged myself, against medical advice, obviously. My theory is that I have a hypoxic or anoxic brain injury which seems to be affecting my memory and visual processing, which in turn is destroying my degree from what should have been a strong 2:1 to a mere 2:2. 

I cannot describe just how devastating this is and I'm having a really hard time accepting the reality of the situation. The damage is done and there's nothing I can do about it. What really hurts is that I spent so many years and accumulated a disgusting amount of debt for a degree that offers me very little in return. I work so damn hard and it's just not being reflected in my grades. I wanted to do a masters and go onto PhD but with my undergraduate degree being such a shitshow.... why bother?

So now I'm stuck. What do I do with my life now? I'm still not anywhere near well enough to hold down a full time job and I have so little to offer.... how the hell do I justify my existence if I'm just sat here doing nothing worthwhile? That degree was my ticket out of hell but apparently I have to stay. I don't know what to do and it's really scary. I'll fight to the bitter end, that's for sure, but for what... I don't know. Depression won't beat me. PTSD won't beat me. Addiction won't beat me. Anorexia won't beat me. I'm not going down like that. The thoughts are getting stronger though and I am getting tired. 

What the hell can I do with a 2:2 in Medical Neuroscience? Answers or suggestions welcome because I'm really stuck and drowning in a tsunami of dissertation and assignment deadlines. 

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Samantha Nicholls. Powered by Blogger.


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