Adventures in Psychiatry: THREE YEARS SOBER

I don't really know how to start this. I'm partly sat here in disbelief and partly annoyed at myself that I ever doubted I'd make it to this point. One thing I am sure of, is that this year has taught me more than the previous two years combined about how strong a person can be when the walls are closing in around them and the floor is beginning to crack under the pressure.

Invictus Poem
via Pinterest

Bottom line: I told myself multiple times a day that this wasn't going to be what takes me down, and reminded myself that I survived respiratory arrest and coma due to this evil disease. That wasn't the first time my body has all but given up, but it certainly is going to be the last. The survival instinct is an incredible powerful thing and that has been the source of my so-called 'strength'... I call it stubbornness but whatever!

I'm not going to say I've worked recovery perfectly, because I haven't. In search of relief from the CONSTANT barrage from my brain I engaged in behaviours I shouldn't have. People make mistakes. It's part of life. The important thing is that you learn from them, and I certainly have learned a lot! 

It's something of a minor miracle that I was under the watch of my GP and psychologist during this time. They helped me utilise the tools I'd learned with Addaction and other groups I found helpful during my tenure with mental health services. For a while it felt like a huge failing to have to 'go back' to these and couldn't stop kicking ten tonnes of shit out of myself for being in this position again, but now I can see that this is exactly why they are there and with support I can maximise these tools and it did indeed keep me free of alcohol. 

I've said it time and time again. I owe my life to Addaction and I'm starting to think that maybe addiction services is where I belong...

If I wasn't sober: I wouldn't be entering my final year of undergraduate study with Sussex, I wouldn't be able to have travelled to Spain and now Turkey, I wouldn't have my amazing friends, I wouldn't have a home, I wouldn't have Lily, I wouldn't be alive right now. It feels weird to say after so many years of trying to self-destruct but life is actually pretty darn cool - and you don't need to drink to be around people or make friends, you're awesome enough already! You just be you, as you are, and that's perfectly ok. 

1 comment

  1. You are such a strong lady, and I'm so proud that you've managed to recognise your own strength. Be proud of yourself. No matter what it took to get you to three years sober, you did it, you can keep doing it, and every day teaches you something new. There's nothing wrong with needing extra help at times, it might be something you need help with on and off for a good while yet, but it's better than relapse :)


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