Adventures in Psychiatry: Have I Gone Mad? *tw*

Trigger warning. 

Yes, yes, I know that's an obscenity within the mental health community. I am however, questioning my sanity and it's terrifying to be back here. This is why I'm not blogging/tweeting much, again. 

ThatRedheadSaid: Do you suppose she's a wildflower?
via pinterest
I wish I could say I knew what was going on. I wish I could say that 'this' was the point where everything shifted. I wish I was able to open my fucking mouth and tell my CMHT what is happening to me and just how scared I am. I can't, I'm not allowed. I can write. 

The obvious point to make is that university has been incredibly intense and while I have loved every second of my time at the medical school, the pressure I feel is immense, I'm exhausted and it's triggered a lot of anxiety. To be honest, that's nothing really out of the norm. I'm finally studying a subject I have a lot of passion for and it's been reflected with my first exam, scoring a first, much to my surprise! 

We're well aware that stress can make symptoms worse, and yes my anxiety has taken on a life of it's own. We expected that. What we didn't expect was depression to come crashing down with such force I am struggling to do the most basic of tasks. My body does not want to move anymore. It hurts and I get dizzy. Lily won't leave my side. She was much more independent a few weeks ago but now, she's always with me. Purring. I swear she knows when I'm about to cry. She'll go off into one of her loopy sprints around the house, jumping on all the furniture chirping like anything, just to make me laugh. 

I can't tell anyone though. I have to put on a mask and fake my way through everything so they don't know what's going on. I don't know if my CPN knows or not that it's probably not me talking to her, because it isn't. I just sit there watching, entirely unable to say what I need to because something else has control. I'm not part of group treatment anymore because my stupid schedule is so packed I can't make it. What I do find... odd... is that an assessment with psychological services came through We were discussing the option, but were in agreement that it'd be a way off because of the usual NHS reasons. Why is it suddenly within 2 weeks notice!? I don't know, but I'm (why do I want to type "we're") suspicious.

For a long time, I was anxious but didn't feel constantly scared and fearing for my life. We're back to that and it's exhausting. No matter how hard I push back on those thoughts/voices/whatever the fuck is taunting me, it just makes it worse. Some is specific, some is just a general 'the sky is going to fall down' type of feeling. I'm having the same nightmares, almost every night. It feels like a warning... so I stay inside 99% of the time. 

There's more to this I want to say but I can't.... something is stopping me and the noise is ridiculous. 

I want to drink. I am desperately wanting the oblivion that benzodiazepines gave me... the relief of putting something sharp into my skin and watching.... I don't know what else will make this stop. 

I need to shut up. 

Samantha Nicholls. Powered by Blogger.


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