Friday was a long, long day in the medical school. 2 lectures, back to back, then an hour off to recover from the information overload. Then a tutorial with medics, which went down exactly as I had anticipated, then another short break before 2 more lectures. It was following the tutorial that things started to slide a little downhill.
I was overwhelmed and at a level of tiredness where the slightest noise, any level of brightness or having to move made me want to curl up into a ball and cry. I've been feeling very isolated and alone lately too which is unnerving. During my second break I couldn't bring myself to pick at more than popcorn while drinking copious amounts of pepsi max and water; just sat on a bench trembling. This sounds so pathetic.
The final two lectures pushed me over my limit. The lecture theater is very noisy and I had to put my hands over my ears to at least limit the sheer volume that was hitting my brain and making me feel dizzy. I wanted to scream at the entire room to just shut the fuck up, or leave. Or both. But I couldn't because I needed to be in these lectures. So I sat there, with my hands over my ears and tears in my eyes. Counting.
Lecture 3 touched on dopaminergic systems which instantly made me feel a rush of anxiety and almost a sense of fear. I spend my life tip-toeing around my dopamine receptors. I don't want to wake them up too much. I was staring this monster in the face and it wasn't a nice feeling. It's going to get a lot worse in a few weeks when we start our psychiatric lectures.
Lecture 4 talked about consciousness and brain death. This was a lesson in reading the lecture slides prior to attending. Coma was discussed in some detail, as well as brain death following cardiac arrest. While I'm sort-of "over" my experiences of being in a coma and the whole near-death experience thing, nothing prepared me for being lectured about the biological and medical protocol that led to the death of my friend. I don't think I've really given it too much thought before now. I knew what happened to her and I knew she didn't suffer, but to see it up on a screen in a lecture theater was just way too much and I couldn't stop thinking about her and feeling angry/upset/something I couldn't control. I couldn't get out of that room fast enough.
It's left me quite shaken and I'm not entirely sure how to approach this. I don't even know if it's a problem that needs addressing. I absolutely do not want to be removed from this module because the content is too challenging for me to deal with psychologically. I don't want even more notes to be added to my file for lecturers to see... It's embarrassing.
It's been a difficult week and my mind is not somewhere I want to be right now.
