The University Diaries: The What If's

I hate it when the "what if's" hit. It sends me into a complete spin and I end up completely overwhelmed and terrified. Last time on The University Diaries  we talked about how everything was being put in place for my resits and the level of support I am receiving. Well, the exams are now in full swing and I have just finished my second of three and I feel like my mind is breaking into pieces. 

image from Pinterest

The first resit came along as a bit of a surprise. The dates had been changed and there wasn't really anything I could do about it. As expected, I was assigned three essays of 600 words to complete in 72 hours for Cell Biology. It was HARD WORK but I got it done in the allotted time and wasn't blind-sighted by the topics. Thankfully it was 'open book' so I was allowed to reference textbooks and journals. 

What if I completely misunderstood the questions? You've done that before. What if you made a mistake with your referencing? What if you didn't use the correct language? You suck at writing 'in science'. What if I fail? What if I have to carry this module? What if they flat-out withdraw me?

Yesterday I was given 24 hours to complete the Neuroscience and Behaviour exam. It wasn't exactly the same as the one I sat in June but it was fairly similar. I only really had issues with two or three questions out of about 50 so that's a marked improvement on the first attempt. I didn't understand what it was asking of me. The exam itself is supposed to take an hour but because I have absolutely ZERO confidence in what I think I know to be right I spent a good 8 hours writing my answers in draft then checking them repeatedly before deciding if it was the correct. It was a frustrating ordeal and a definite down-side to being given take-away papers! 

What if I fail this one again? It's my major. They'll make me change to a different subject at the very least. Some people are already pushing that idea. What if I have to carry this module too? What if I fail and completely lose my grip on my sobriety? 

In all honesty, this is the one I am most scared of because of how badly I did the first time around. The entire time I was sat in front of the paper I was being reminded of the fact I failed. Some people can turn this into motivation and excel, which is what I am hoping to have done, but until I see the result my brain is going to be stuck on FAILURE. 


Next up is Biological Chemistry and I am expecting that one to be the same format as Cell Biology. I have been informed there will be graphs so I'm going to practice those... Plus I have the boyfriend to tell me if I'm doing it wrong. He'd never give me the answer. I wouldn't let him! I learn by doing, not by having things talked at me.

As much as I want to stay positive and motivated and all of that, I am not going to sit here and lie about how absolutely terrified and stressed out I am. I made a deal with myself back in July and we're rapidly approaching the 'deadline'. On 15th September I will find out if I will be going into year two at Sussex. This is also the day that the boyfriend leaves for America for a god damn fortnight. I really am starting to think that karma is giving me 40 lashes for all the shit I've done in the past.

The What If's are in full swing and I honestly don't know what to do. My CPN will undoubtedly ask me these very same questions or offer some shade of a solution but for now the biggest and scariest is: WHAT IF I FAIL? What if I lose my biggest recovery goal because I'm too stupid? I will be entirely alone and I will freely admit that I don't trust myself, my addictions and my tendency to kick the living daylights out of myself for any sort of shortcoming. I don't know why I do it. I just.... do. 

The What If's lead to plans and bad dreams. The What If's are not something I have yet learned how to manage. They are an element of generalized anxiety disorder and used to be severe enough that I would not leave my bedroom. It's happening again. The What If's just play on a loop that gets ever more extreme. It's no wonder I am struggling to keep my head above water and this ever-increasing level of stress is impacting on more elements of my life - which is why I am practically non-existent on social media and my blog right now. I'm so tired.... 

We could talk about What If I pass, but to be completely honest, I don't have an answer to that question. There will probably be cake. 

Samantha Nicholls. Powered by Blogger.

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