The University Diaries : FAILED


*** Trigger Warning ***

I don't know what happened. I thought everything was ok. I don't know what to do and I have never felt so scared. 


I failed ALL THREE of my exams. I found out while at Malaga Airport yesterday. If I had even a slight suspicion that things went badly then I'd have waited until I got home. I tried not to cry but couldn't fight it after a while so just to make things even worse I was now in floods of tears in a Spanish airport looking like a complete freak with people looking at me and saying words I didn't understand. 

The boyfriend just made me even more angry because he really doesn't understand how I feel about exams and this whole degree. I have never failed anything in my entire life. Yes there are re-takes and re-submissions and I'm not the only one and all of that crap but that doesn't exactly help with how humiliated I feel and how I have absolutely no idea how to handle this situation. 

While we were waiting to board our plane back to Gatwick, all I could think about was the sheer volume of cheap alcohol around me and how I was going to be alone for the whole weekend. The boyfriend is in Prague on a stag-do. I could hear laughing. I could feel people talking about how much of an embarrassment I am and how I'm going to be told to leave Sussex because I'm too stupid to be there. I saw myself drinking alone with my arms and legs covered in blood. I felt something taking control of me and it was absolutely terrifying. 

I didn't plan for this. I didn't expect this. I've only told one friend from university that I failed, but not how bad I feel right now. Only that I have serious doubts that I'll be returning in September. 

I think the vast majority of people have other things in their lives besides university. I don't. This is everything to me. "Well if it meant that much to you then you wouldn't have failed...." I've said from the very beginning that if this doesn't work then I will lose everything, without exaggeration. Everything I have worked for has led up to this point and it's so far been for nothing. There is no benefit to us living under such financial strain if I'm not doing what I set out to do. 

If I lose my degree, I will be no better than the rest of my family and that is something I cannot even bare to think about. I need to be different to them or I can't live with myself. It's that simple. 

I've told my mentor and she is going to see what my options are and see me next week alongside my mental health support contact at the university. I need to talk to my CPN and wave a giant red flag because this is bad. Really bad. 

Yesterday I managed because I was so exhausted from the flight and dealing with Lily and the sheer emotion of everything. Today I am still exhausted but adrenaline is starting to take over and I really don't feel safe. Tomorrow the boyfriend returns at what I think will be around midnight. He doesn't get to Gatwick until about 11pm. 

I need to go out but I don't trust myself. I don't trust the monster that lives inside me. He's very close to breaking open his cage and ruining absolutely everything, just to punish me. I know I can call out of hours and go to the hospital if I feel at immediate risk, but I very much doubt that I would. Lily needs me here right now. Yes, I am well aware that she doesn't need to see me so distressed and I try very hard to not expose her to any of my self-destruction. 

That's something else I've managed to screw up. She boarded with a new cattery that is run by a veterinary nurse who has done extra training in feline behaviour. She thinks that Lily is showing behaviour of a cat that was hand-reared from birth. She is that bonded/attached to me and that is why she is so scared and aggressive in the cattery. She is showing classic fight-or-flight reactions. She can't run very far in her cattery 'house' so she has to lash out. We have lived a very sheltered life and she is not ready for the outside world. She hasn't met many new people and it's always been in her house. So, basically, catteries aren't really an option for Lily and now I need to start finding someone who can come and look after Lily at home the next time we have to go away - mid August I think. 

So.... yeah. In a nutshell, things are bad. I'm trying to use what limited skills I have and not let the 'dark side' win but.... everyone has their limit. 

Samantha Nicholls. Powered by Blogger.

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