The University Diaries : feeling alone and incapable

This is more of a vent than anything with a glimmer of insight. 

It's only the second week back and I already feel terrified, exhausted and flat out stupid. As much as I want to hope and pray that this flare up of CFS symptoms is just re-adjustment issues after such a long break, but I'm not so sure. My schedule is brutal at times and I'm not getting enough rest. 

Example: Monday I was on campus from 8.30am until 5.30pm. I didn't get home until nearly 6.30pm. Four hours of lectures and a two hour practical which I bailed on after an hour or so. Tuesday wasn't so bad, I get to come home for a brief rest period. Wednesday is my day off. Yesterday I spent THREE HOURS staring down a microscope. 

Oh god, I thought my head was going to explode. Plus it's so stupidly stuffy in there I lost some time by going outside simply to feel less suffocated! I'm always the last to finish which doesn't help my confidence, I'm just slowwwwww. I also forget everything which really does not help matters. I couldn't remember what cytoplasm looked like for gods sake, and then when I tried to write it I hit a road block. Idiot.

Today my 12pm lecture was cancelled, but there is a 5pm neuroscience lecture I'm meant to be at. Not a chance. I can barely make it to the bathroom without seeing stars. 

I'm so exhausted and in pain. I feel sick and want to cry. How the hell am I going to make it to April?? When I wake up to my alarm I feel like I'm totally off-my-ass drunk. Obviously I'm not, but it's just so frikking hard to even sit up, let alone get ready to leave and then try and absorb something in lectures. Another delightful side-effect to my exhaustion is being super clumsy. I walk into door frames, drop things and am generally not allowed to touch anything anymore...

There is no-one I can talk to about this who really understands just what this feels like. The student support people know, but I'm not entirely sure what I can talk to my mentor about yet. I'm meeting her next Thursday so I guess I'll find out then. 

I hate seeing my grades and level of study suffer purely because I need to rest. Reading isn't resting either. When I say rest, I mean, basically being asleep. My friends are all doing so well compared to me and I'm feeling just, different... back in that glass bubble that somehow separates me from the rest of the world. I don't speak their language or know how to function like them. 

At the moment, I just don't see how this degree is going to end the way I want it to. Apparently I've lost the ability to stay in the present as well. I know I am my own worst critic, and nothing I ever do will ever be good enough, but this isn't how I wanted my university experience to be. I was supposed to be leaving illness and failures behind me, not having them morph and sneak in when I wasn't looking. 

At no point has quitting entered my mind. Hell no. I won't be leaving university unless they force me to go.

I just....... I dunno. Things need to get better, and I hope that I can figure out how.

1 comment

  1. love your blog! following you!


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