The University Diaries : red flag / white flag

.... bugger.

I'm supposed to 'talk' aren't I.

For the past 5-10 minutes I have been staring at this screen and wondering my my mind isn't producing visible words. Although, its a garbled mess up in there at the moment. Not that it's a fleeting or intermittent thing, annoyingly. I've been stuck in this position for a couple of weeks now, at least. I have absolutely no concept of time.

I don't know what to say...

It feels like I've been shot with a tranquilizer, or I've been chained and gagged... Its not in my control. If I say too much or the wrong thing I get punished.

Anxiety is firmly in control sometimes. The other day I took my skin extractor and launched an all out war on my forehead. I have no idea how much time passed, but the damage I did was pretty extreme. It's so embarrassing. There has been a lot of ice, and today I crushed a gram of ibuprofen and have been washing my face every couple of hours with the solution. It seems to be working. My face hurt so much.

Stupid girl.

Further proof of this: I scraped a pathetic 60% for my first molecular biology coursework. My lab partner achieved 88%. What the hell am I doing at university? I'm so ashamed and all I can hear is criticism and laughter...

I am really struggling with this side of things. Just getting out the house - after beating myself into getting dressed - is a massive ordeal and more often than not only seems to happen when I'm on something of a high. Either way, I can't concentrate for shit or absorb much information. I'm clumsy and get really pissed off really quickly.

Example: In my Thursday morning lab session I was approached by my tutor - who happens to be a PhD student that helps out in lab practicals as well as tutoring us lowly undergrads -  and he essentially gave me a 5 minute warning that he was going to quiz me on Lac Operon. I don't know if it was the chloroform fumes interacting with my medication, generally being anxious and struggling to concentrate on the experiment we were working on; but I felt SO angry and really wanted to shout at him to back the hell off and leave me alone. I didn't. I just left the lab for a good 10 minutes or so and got some clean air into my system. I came back into the lab still pissed off but we were too busy for him to be able to interrupt me again. Thankfully.

The anger I feel scares me. I am not a violent or outwardly vocal 'rude' person. I will always be the person to walk away rather than get into a serious confrontation with someone. But it feels like the control is slipping away from me.

I guess I'm losing the war against my genetic code. Slowly but surely, my demon fathers genes are switching on and turning me back into a monster. Only this time the evil can't be chalked up to addiction. It's just me. Stone cold sober, and evil.

I want to drink. I really do. I want my benzos back so I can put myself out for a few hours.

Monday is a full on day. At 11am I have to travel to Hove Polyclinic to meet the CMHT and be told there's nothing wrong with me while being laughed at. Then in the evening it's my event with Kate and Aud. I'm so looking forward to it. It's been my little beacon to aim for. We have been treated to some incredible cakes from Cake Cetera which I can't wait to share with everyone! 

I have absolutely no idea what's going on with my brain but I'm not ill so I'll man up and stop bitching and complaining.

1 comment

  1. 60% isn't bad. First year I got loads of 40's and 50's and failed one module.
    I wish I knew what to say to help. Just sending lots of love your way <3


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