The University Diaries : depression, letting agency drama and ink.

Dear Diary, 

I'm struggling. I absolutely HATE myself for being in this position. But I also know I have a habit of expecting too much from myself sometimes... 


The black dog just won't give up pestering me! It's not a seasonal thing, but November-February holds the most challenging months in the land of PTSD. I feel like the stressors just keep on coming and the pressure gauge is on red.

I'm tearful. I'm irritable. I can't concentrate. I'm struggling to sleep. These are all 'red flags'.

In the past I would have hidden away and not seen my GP, but that plan of action would be disastrous for my time as Sussex. Yesterday I went to the drop-in clinic and was able to see my GP after a chat with the nurse. It was good to meet him; he's really nice and I feel like I can trust him.

I explained about my anxiety and mood at the moment, and the issues with people coming into the house at the moment. I'm now on 300mg venlafaxine, which is split into two doses of slow-release 150mg.

  I'm really scared. Both in terms of feeling like something bad is going to happen any second now, but I'm scared of how bad this might get. I know I'm experiencing 'intrusive thoughts' but I have no idea how to manage them. As soon as I even think about leaving the house it starts up and it's like a film playing out infront of my eyes. It's like my worst fears twisted with something satanic.

My mind is a dark place. But I'm not an evil person - as far as I know - so why is this coming into my head? Who or what is putting it there?!

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

The Letting Agency Drama

It happened again. I freaked out. My not-so-understanding boyfriend basically called me an irrational and volatile person who wasn't to talk to the letting agency because I'd get us kicked out.


He got his mum involved who drafted emails for him to send. I think we're both thinking the same thing right now!

Apparently the situation has been resolved but I really don't trust that.

I hate this.

I got inked!

On Tuesday I was on a bit of a 'high'. After I got my hair re-coloured at mysalonlooks I went to Inka and got two new tattoos! I called them earlier on in the day on the off chance they had any appointments. I've been thinking about these for well over 6 months, so it wasn't a totally impulsive thing.

Inka have a brilliant reputation in Brighton. I did feel a bit guilty that my usual artist wasn't doing them, but they were only small line-work pieces so it's not a major betrayal! I will always go to her for more detailed work.

Anyway. Here's what I got!


Obviously, serotonin and dopamine are the key neurotransmitters that have been associated with my mental health. Tattoos don't always need to have a story behind them. It's alright to just have something because you like it, as long as you won't regret it when you're 70.

By far, these have been the easiest to care for by a long shot! There's some bruising surfacing but there's no weeping like you get with coloured pieces or real pain when washing them.

They make me smile whenever I look at them.

So there's that...

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