The Food Diaries : why am I getting bigger?!

Hi everyone! :)

So, this is something that is a bit scary to be putting out there, but it's come to the point where I need to face reality a bit more. Over the past couple of months I have noticed my body changing. I'm getting bigger, a lot bigger and it's scaring the life out of me.

When is it going to stop?! How huge am I going to get?! When will people start bullying me about my fat face again?! Restrict. Restrict. Restrict. You always felt better at under 49kg. Don't be one of those girls that let's themselves go. You'll be fat, lonely and disgusting forever. You should be ashamed of yourself. You are a beast. A repulsive BEAST.

Yes, the eating disorder voice is really making it's presence known. It takes a lot to adjust to a changing body, especially when you have spent most of your life as a size 6-8 and so underweight you always had your bones sticking out. My weight gain/change in shape has landed mostly on my boobs, tummy and legs. On one level I could go down on my knees and thank the gods for not letting it land on my face as history usually dictates. On another level, I want to scream and cry because I was not prepared for this and it's caught me so off guard that I'm starting to panic.

What could be causing this shift? Well the perhaps it's my medication cocktail. I have nexplanon in my arm for the next 3 years, and I noticed soon after having it fitted that my boobs were getting bigger but it was not dramatic and not really a big deal. Then I started anti-psychotic medication, quetiapine, and am currently on a dose that would start to impact on weight. It's one of the curses of these medications. You could be stuck in hospital eating next to nothing and still swell up. I do have a history of weight gain with medications so it's not like it's alien territory. Some get away with it, others don't. Sods law I'd be the girl that gets fat.

Option two is my portion control being off, which is quite possible...Option three, I could have a thyroid problem or something.

To see if there is anything I could change, I decided to start keeping a food diary again. This week I am just carrying on as normal, just being more accountable. I'm far too terrified to weigh myself. Seeing the number I think I am would just make anorexia explode, and obviously I don't want that to happen. Using my own judgement here, I know I am probably the heaviest I've ever been. My previous highest weight was 63kg and it triggered an almighty relapse, losing 10kg in a matter of months, which landed me in hospital way too much. My body just can't put up with it anymore.

So there we are... Here's this weeks damage!!

Monday:

B: 260g watermelon, 100g fat free 'light choices' natural yogurt, 50g muesli (50% fruit Tesco own brand)
    2 mugs hot water with fresh lemon slices
    1 cup coffee (Kenco Milicano, splenda, 150ml semi-skimmed milk)
    TOTAL: 370 kcals

S: 2 Monster Low-Cal energy drinks (yes, I know, bad...)
    1 'Eton Mess' chocolate sample from Hotel Chocolat
    TOTAL: 100 kcals estimated

L: Starbucks: Cheese and Marmite Panini, Venti Iced Latte
    TOTAL: 505 kcals 

D: YO! Sushi
     ~ Miso Soup 56 kcals
     ~ Kaiso Salad 120 kcals
     ~ Salmon Sashimi 140 kcals
     ~ Spicy Chicken Salad 181 kcals
     ~ Cucumber Maki 93 kcals
     ~ Beef Nigiri 102 kcals
     ~ Fresh Fruit 59 kcals
     ~ Mochi 131 kcals
     ~ Strawberry Cheesecake Mochi 224 kcals
     TOTAL: 1106 kcals - HOLY SHIT

GRAND TOTAL : 2081 KCALS
Exercise: 2 and a half hours walking in Brighton; 450-500 kcals burnt, approximately as weight unknown

Tuesday:

B: 1 banana, 50g All Bran
     1 mug hot water with fresh lemon slices
     1 mug Milicano coffee with 150ml semi-skimmed milk
     TOTAL: 358 kcals

L: 260g watermelon, 150g 'Light Choices' fat free natural yogurt
     2 slices wholemeal bread, toasted, 30g tesco extra light soft cheese, marmite and cucumber
     3 gherkin slices
     TOTAL: 400 kcals

S: Options Hot Chocolate
    Muller Rice w/ 1tsp powdered vanilla chai
    Apple
    80g dried spanish garlic bread 396 kcals, ohmygod
    TOTAL: 736 kcals

D: 200g frozen fruit salad, 100g 'Light Choices' fat free natural yogurt

S: 1 banana
     1 mug vanilla chai latte
     TOTAL: 335 kcals

GRAND TOTAL: 1829 kcals.

I'm genuinely hungry so much. I know already that my portion control was off by using my scales to weigh out the recommended  serving suggestion rather than what I wanted! I think I'm still making healthy choices though. My diet is seriously lacking in protein. That will help with managing hunger pangs. Ugh, I'm gross.

Wednesday

B: 260g watermelon, 100g fat free 'light choices' natural yogurt, 50g muesli (50% fruit Tesco own brand)
    2 mugs hot water with fresh lemon slices
    1 cup coffee (Kenco Milicano, splenda, 150ml semi-skimmed milk)
    TOTAL: 370 kcals

S: 2 cans 'Monster Lo-Cal' aka 'Get Stuff Done'
    TOTAL: 90 kcals

L: Random Salad: 1 packet Tilda Brown Rice, 1 tin butter beans, 1 tin tuna in spring water, 2 stalks celery, half a packet of radishes, 2 peppers, a third of a cucumber, pickles, cress, extra light mayo. Filled a large pyrex bowl! Portion: 1 normal bowl with extra pickles.
   1 raspberry muller rice with 50g 85% cocoa chocolate
    TOTAL: 350-400 kcals

D: 1 banana
      2 pieces wholemeal toast with Weight Watchers raspberry jam
      Twiglets
      200g frozen fruit
      TOTAL: 500 kcals

GRAND TOTAL: 1360 kcals

Thursday - Glorious Goodwood Races

B: 2 small glasses orange juice
     Weight Watchers chicken fajita wrap
     2 cans Monster Lo-Cal
     TOTAL: 540 kcals

L: Organic beef burger in a white bun with salad
     TOTAL: 650 kcals estimated

D: Twiglets
     Graze apple and cinnamon flapjack
     2 glasses iced Options hot chocolate
     TOTAL: 420 kcals

GRAND TOTAL: 1610 kcals
Exercise: All day walking in the searing heat!!! 

Friday 2nd August

Weight: 64.4kg - BMI: 21.9 highest weight ever. I had to know. I just had to know. Please don't judge me. This is so painfully difficult to put out there for everyone to see. I'm so scared I'm actually crying as I type this. I can't stay this way. I can't. I just CAN'T. It's not just the number. That just adds salt into the wound. I hate my shape. I hate my boobs. I hate the back fat I'm accumulating. I hate my thighs. I hate my stomach. I hate myself for letting this happen. I'm so ANGRY and SCARED.

It's time to diet. Having chronic fatigue syndrome makes exercise very difficult. After all the walking around and concentration of yesterday I'm in a lot of pain today and it's only going to get worse. I was supposed to go to Brighton today but there's no way I can manage that level of walking.

Shit.

Samantha Nicholls. Powered by Blogger.

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