Monthly Musings : August

How is it August? Seriously? Time is moving waaaaaay too fast and I'm starting to feel a little overwhelmed. Ok, that's a bit of an understatement. I'm freaking the hell out.

In just over a month, I will be starting a new chapter in the saga of my life that should hopefully lead to me walking a completely different path for the remainder of my years on this spinning rock we call home. So it's a pretty big deal and most people seem to grasp why I'm starting to have a hard time holding it together.

I don't deal with change well. I created a 'bubble' a long time ago now that I could function in, pretty well some might say, but whenever it's pushed into shapes it wasn't designed to hold things start to crack pretty quickly. I've been pushing hard these past few months to build up a tolerance or something of a base-level for new experiences and situations, but it's starting to backfire on me a little now. I'm overwhelming my system, but I feel like I have no choice now. Time has run out. I can either roll with the changes or get flattened by them.

I don't want to get flattened again. I'm so tired of being the girl that needs a great deal of support. I want to be a normal, functioning human being that doesn't get scared by the most ridiculous things and can actually follow a conversation without getting confused or distracted or blurt out too many things at once.

There is so much to do before term starts and I honestly don't know where to start, so the best thing to do is to break it down as much as possible.

Moving, finding a new flat

The main task these past few weeks has been to find somewhere to live. The letting market in Brighton moves incredibly fast and it's by far the biggest challenge for this month. We either miss properties by a matter of hours, or the landlords won't accept a harmless little cat. It's infuriating. What's even more infuriating is that the boyfriend is of the "oh well, nothing we can do about it" school of thought, so my ranting and generally pissed-off mood doesn't register as logical with him, or his mum!

I frigging hate moving so much and I really, really wish we could stay here but there just isn't enough space.

It's not like I can pick up my bubble and move it somewhere else. It doesn't work like that. I have to pop the bubble and build a new one, which takes a long time and chaos reigns during the interim.

Mental health, getting support

You may or may not have noticed that my posts have changed somewhat over the past couple of weeks. In a nutshell, I'm having a hard time keeping myself safe and in control. I haven't known how to approach this or what to say, so I've just not said anything. Even on twitter I'm finding it hard to engage. It's been creeping up on me and I've not really wanted to acknowledge that there's something wrong, but it's getting to a point where I know that if I don't say something now it might be too late.

I feel.... weird. I've upped my dose of quetiapine to 250mg now, but I'm not seeing any impact on my mood or anxiety. It's just as up and down as ever, with added 'f**k it' spending for good measure which has really screwed me over. I'm restless. I've been tempted to just get on a plane and run away. Everything seems so vivid and bright. I can see colours moving in the air and I'm definitely not on any non-prescription drugs. I can't sleep unless I take 150mg quetiapine and 15-20mg buspirone, and even then I probably won't sleep through the night. I feel watched and like more people can see into my head than before. The voices are saying really scary things to me.

My GP is calling me tomorrow morning to talk about my dose of quetiapine. I'm still on 25mg tablets so I'm popping a ridiculous amount a day. I don't know what he can do besides switch me up to the 100mg tablets. I don't want to take these voices and evil stalkers to university. They'll wreck everything. And yes, for the millionth time, they are really there and they want me to cut my own throat.

Money, money, money

The root of all evil. Money. I have my student loan and maintenance grant sorted out but I am still on the search for a student account with the best overdraft deal. At the moment, the Co-Op seems to be winning. I don't know when to apply though. The Halifax offer up to £3000, and I'm tempted to use their account because I bank with them already and I might just get more than the Co-Op are offering: £1400, then £1700 then £2000 in the final year.

I need to sort out my credit cards and try and move my Halifax balance. I've worked my arse off with that debt this year. In 8 months, I've paid off £1200, which is almost a third of the debt. As long as I can keep in in a 0% account, we'll be ok. I have a balance on my BarclayCard but I'm probably going to throw my maintenance grant at that balance when I get it, and then hand the card to Alex so I can't use it during my 'sod it' phases.

It's very scary. Alex doesn't earn a huge wage, but apparently we'll manage. I have to trust him on that! Lily needs a roof over her head and food in her tummy.

Family drama...

Without a doubt the most stressful problem, as ever. I've all but stopped talking to my mother. I just can't do it anymore. It's so forced and I know it's not just me that sees it. I certainly don't want to see her while I'm so fat. I miss OxO terribly and I really hope they're looking after him. I don't feel the same longing for her. I miss my Grandparents. It's so messed up and I know that.

It's always made so much more apparent when I see Alex's family. We went to their gorgeous house yesterday for a BBQ to celebrate their 30th wedding anniversary. THIRTY YEARS!! Such a rarity these days. They had old friends there, including the best man and his wife. Both Sussex University graduates, like Alex's dad, so they were very keen to talk to me! There was another couple of old friends, plus Alex's sister and her boyfriend. It felt like a family, and it was so wonderful to just be sat around the table talking with no awkwardness of tension in the air.

You would absolutely not be able get my family in one room together easily... What killed off any further 'trying' with my mother was when she said she wouldn't have me at her wedding or call me if she was ill in hospital because of the tension between me and my twin brothers. Nice. Thanks. She didn't have her parents at her wedding and she's just made history repeat itself. Congratulations!

It does make me really sad though... I had hoped for more support from the Day Hospital about this but that was my bad for expecting too much.

Socialising

I've been pushing hard with this but oh my god, I don't know how people do it. It's exhausting. I went to Glorious Goodwood on Thursday 1st August with the boyfriend, his friends and met his mum and the cricket ladies there. A LOT of people!!! Solid talking from 9am until 7pm. I couldn't keep up. Not to mention the sheer volume of people at the racecourse and the heat that beat down on us all day.

I felt close to tears many times and almost panicked once. Sticking to water was easy due to the heat and the boys were nowhere near as drunk as I anticipated. Not when I was there anyway! I got a lift home with the cricket ladies while the boyfriend stayed out until gone midnight. No chance I'll be doing that, ever!

I am really worried about the social aspect of university and being able to follow discussions and actually talk to people without looking like a total freak. Maybe it's just practice. I don't know.

Group therapy was easier because people weren't talking over eachother and staying on topic!!



So there we have it. Those are the main problems I'm up against right now during preparation for university life. There will be plenty more I'm sure so this might turn into a series of my worries and how I'm dealing with them or something. I don't know at the moment. Everything feels so up in the air and I honestly can't think straight. It's taken me 3 goddamn days to write this!

Samantha Nicholls. Powered by Blogger.

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