Oh great, the voices are back.


It's been a good 2-3 weeks since I last heard voices I think... My memory is awful. I definitely haven't felt like this for a while. Something has shifted. I'm feeling very hopeless and alone again, and the voices are back. Laughing at me and talking about me. Like they know something I don't.

I HATE THIS.

Visually I've had 'corner of the eye' type pseudo-hallucinations which honestly I've just been brushing off as being way over tired and not wearing my glasses when I use the laptop. Now I'm wondering if it was a warning sign. I don't care either way, I just want this to stop.

I feel awful and there's no reason for this dip in my mood.

Ok. There might be one reason but I'd be very surprised..... During my more upbeat and happy stage I engaged in some more 'risky' behaviours which led to my visit to my long suffering nurse lasting painfully long and with a presciption for emergency contraception, the contraceptive pill 'Cerazette' and an appointment with my GP to have the contraceptive implant 'Nexplanon' fitted at the end of the month, pending a negative pregnancy test the day before.

That situation would totally not be ideal right now...

Frikking hormones... My skin is definitely more oily again and my boobs can feel like goddamn footballs at times. Oh and I've had a pretty much constant headache. How fun it is to be female.

I'm thinking about drinking again, I've spent £80 odd on a new make-up brush set and eyeshadow palette from Sedona Lace. Thankfully being in the UK still counts for something.... Cheap stuff from the USA! Ignoring the shipping and potential taxes. I wanted to go to Dunelm Mill with my mum today but she's busy spring cleaning so I'm probably going to end up ordering stuff online instead.

I really, really shouldn't be spending money like this... but some part of me thinks new things will make me happier and it's only money at the end of the day..... It's not like I'm piling hundreds upon hundreds of pounds worth on my credit card. Yet...

Thoughts of self-harm are surfacing again too. I want/need that release.... But I'm working so.frikking.hard. on getting better that I can't start messing up my skin even more. My scars are healing really well and hopefully in another few years they'll all be white. The raised ones.... well.... I'll just have to live with. I haven't found a product yet that can deal with keloid scarring. Bio-Oil does great things for the less severe scarring, but these ones it just doesn't seem to do anything other than itch like a mo-fo.

So. Yeah. Things seem to be changing again. I need to meet my psychiatrist. There's a sentence I never thought I'd say! Although the psychiatrist I met at The Priory was absolutely wonderful and he also happens to be a professor at where I will be studying so I'm pretty sure I'll be in some of his lectures. Super exciting.

The boyfriend is coming to visit tomorrow apparently. Hopefully it will still be sunny and he will be enough of a calming influence to help me ignore the voices and maybe try and explain a bit about what's going on. Even after all this time I never know how he'll react.

We still don't have a solid diagnosis which doesn't help. All we know is my family history sucks and the potential for me having inherited something like bipolar disorder isn't exactly on the low side... I don't care what 'it' is called, I just want it to be managed with the right medication so I don't spend another 8 years floating in the NHS and welfare system, too disabled to function in society.

There's blue sky, sunshine and birds singing outside. I'm inside and feeling pretty damn fed up. So I'm going to buy pretty things..... Yep.

But it's not all doom and gloom:

Samantha Nicholls. Powered by Blogger.

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