I hate being poorly.

This may just turn into a giant rant. Sorry. 

I'm just SO fed up with depression, anxiety, PTSD crap ruling my life. Oh and being so freaking exhausted 24/7. That sucks donkey dong. 

I'm not identifying myself as those 'labels' by the way. I am Sami. I am 25 and really hate being this way. 

Venlafaxine is having a minor effect on my depression, which is great to know. It's a huge relief to know it's hitting the right button and my GP and I can work with this medication. I'm not as hopeless anymore. I don't think about suicide as much. There is more colour in my world.

That last point is a weird one. But when depression is at it's absolute worst for me, it really does seem like everything is dark. That's the only way I can describe it. All the colour has been sucked out of my world and it's horrible. 

So yeah. The issue I'm having with venlafaxine is that it's aggravating my anxiety. That 'ohmygodsomethingbadisgoingtohappenrightnow' feeling is happening way too much and I'm not able to really cope with it anymore. I'm too tired and it spills over into panic. This feeling can happen if I'm just laying on the sofa listening to the radio with Lily. 

I. hate. anxiety.

The day hospital was cancelled this week due to the crazy snow that hit the south coast, and the week before they had a training day, so I've not had much support of late but I'm seeing my GP next Friday. I'm going to ask for quetiapine to be added to my medications to sit on the anxiety as the 150mg of venlafaxine is working for depression and I don't want to ruin that. 

The quetiapine will also help with another 'symptom' I have but I don't think I've really talked about here yet. I'm too embarrassed! 

So yeah. I'm having a hard time with anxiety and it's doing my head in. 

But I'm still trying. Every hour of every day I'm getting through is a success. I have my amazing boyfriend and gorgeous Lily to make the days worth getting through. 

University is a bit of a question mark still but we've got plenty of time yet. I am still planning to move closer to the campus in the summer.

I so want to be 'normal'. I want to be functional. I want to have a job and friends. I'm 26 in August. This should not be my life. I don't want this to be my life. I'm really fed up with this crap but I've got some fight back in my body now. 

Getting better needs to happen.

I'm tired now and forgetting what I'm trying to say.... So I think I'll shut up now! 

Samantha Nicholls. Powered by Blogger.

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