SixMonthsSober.... so what?


Today I hit a semi-landmark in terms of my sobriety. I have now been free of drugs and alcohol for 6 whole reality sucking months. Around 4 of those months have been without the assistance of disulfiram/Antabuse. 

I think I should feel something, but I don't. I just feel..... flat..... and I don't know why. Other people seem happy with this 'achievement' but I really don't see it. This was something I had to do. So I did it. 

So what if I spend most of my waking hours consumed with thoughts and cravings for the drug and alcohol combination that worked oh-so-well? So what if I hate every painful second I'm awake? So what if I was essentially forced into this to begin with? So what if I'm totally lucid and suffering now? So what if I'm being tortured by my brain? So what if I'm expecting a very ugly relapse in the future?

I did what I said I would. I stopped. I stayed out of rehab/hospital and saved the NHS a boatload of money. I didn't take up space in Addaction for long. I kept my promise. I set my mind to something and I do it.

Addaction is a charity that manages substance abuse in the community, but can also refer 'clients' to more intensive settings if they agree. They do very good work; but having the right keyworker is vital. Click on the link to check out their website.

Yet I feel nothing. My words look like they're full of anger, don't they? I don't feel angry.
Perhaps it's because I am just so exhausted lately I've lost the ability to feel complex emotions. Perhaps it's because I'm not a part of the 'community' and today has not become something to celebrate. Perhaps it's because nothing I ever do is good enough. Perhaps it's the same reason I feel terribly uncomfortable celebrating my birthday.

I don't know. 

But here I am, at the longest stretch of sobriety I have ever been since I started using at around 14 years old.

In the words of Marya Hornbacher: "whoop-de-fucking-dee.."

Peace out xx

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